Alright. So it's been a while since I wrote something here. When I started this blog so many years ago, I really thought it would become a thing and I'd have a lot more posts, all depicting my passion for writing and my despair-filled life and what not.
But let's face it - I love starting things, I don't like finishing them. I don't know exactly what the problem is but I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I get bored easily...or distracted. Actually, lazy might be the most appropriate word. Even passion can't overcome my laziness. To give myself credit, I have improved quite a lot over the years and I have TRIED but the pattern still exists, it's relentless and it really depresses me. I think another part of the problem is how much I am obsessed with the idea of getting things right; I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist per se but I WOULD have to deduce I have some stress & avoidance induced obsessive compulsive disorder. For example, I have something top priority to do but I also have something almost as equally important to do the same day; my course of action would involve, doing the second thing and doing it really well and not just that - I wouldn't start the task unless I had everything I needed for it. It's no wonder I pack last minute and get screamed at; I CAN'T pack properly unless I've used my facewash one more time just before leaving the house. Everything must be in it's place first because it's the only way I can work - time and consideration be damned.
On second thought, it might just be that I have a touch of ADHD & OCD. Or maybe I'm hypochondriac (I totes googled that in case I was wrong by the way, I doubt everything about my existence - even my brain).
This brings me to another flaw I have which I can't exactly put into words because it's a combination of so many things. I doubt myself a lot even if I know something, I can't come up with something original or creative like I used to all the time but instead find it much more appealing to copy or add on to ideas already existing and at the same time, I want to learn new things and be able to share them. Oh and despite all of this, I am an insufferable know-it-all who HATES being wrong.
Therein exists the vicious cycle. A figment of the torment that goes through my mind every day. I don't even think I have an excuse for all this confusion anymore - I'm 22 years old, I have to grow up already.
Even as I'm writing this post, I know there's a very strong possibility I will forget about this blog and not write again for a good few months. I'll doodle in my little sketch book maybe, which by the way, I also bought with the intention of writing down or drawing my thoughts every day - so that I'd have a collection of profound quotes and my own almost insightful thoughts (again, I just used an online thesaurus).
As I look back up at the stuff I've been writing, I have noticed that there are certain words that are capitalized - tried, would, can't, ADHD & OCD, hates... Yikes. What does that tell you?
Apparently they say, the only person who can hold you back is you yourself - it might be a bunch of deep moronic bullshit but sadly, it makes a lot of sense. We just don't like to listen to all that profound advice because it's all easier said than done - even the people who said it know it. I mean, look at their lives.
I think I've run out of things to say, I don't know what brought on this encouragement to write a blog post but I'm glad I got something down. None of it is Pulitzer worthy but it's something. It helps.
But let's face it - I love starting things, I don't like finishing them. I don't know exactly what the problem is but I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I get bored easily...or distracted. Actually, lazy might be the most appropriate word. Even passion can't overcome my laziness. To give myself credit, I have improved quite a lot over the years and I have TRIED but the pattern still exists, it's relentless and it really depresses me. I think another part of the problem is how much I am obsessed with the idea of getting things right; I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist per se but I WOULD have to deduce I have some stress & avoidance induced obsessive compulsive disorder. For example, I have something top priority to do but I also have something almost as equally important to do the same day; my course of action would involve, doing the second thing and doing it really well and not just that - I wouldn't start the task unless I had everything I needed for it. It's no wonder I pack last minute and get screamed at; I CAN'T pack properly unless I've used my facewash one more time just before leaving the house. Everything must be in it's place first because it's the only way I can work - time and consideration be damned.
On second thought, it might just be that I have a touch of ADHD & OCD. Or maybe I'm hypochondriac (I totes googled that in case I was wrong by the way, I doubt everything about my existence - even my brain).
This brings me to another flaw I have which I can't exactly put into words because it's a combination of so many things. I doubt myself a lot even if I know something, I can't come up with something original or creative like I used to all the time but instead find it much more appealing to copy or add on to ideas already existing and at the same time, I want to learn new things and be able to share them. Oh and despite all of this, I am an insufferable know-it-all who HATES being wrong.
Therein exists the vicious cycle. A figment of the torment that goes through my mind every day. I don't even think I have an excuse for all this confusion anymore - I'm 22 years old, I have to grow up already.
Even as I'm writing this post, I know there's a very strong possibility I will forget about this blog and not write again for a good few months. I'll doodle in my little sketch book maybe, which by the way, I also bought with the intention of writing down or drawing my thoughts every day - so that I'd have a collection of profound quotes and my own almost insightful thoughts (again, I just used an online thesaurus).
As I look back up at the stuff I've been writing, I have noticed that there are certain words that are capitalized - tried, would, can't, ADHD & OCD, hates... Yikes. What does that tell you?
Apparently they say, the only person who can hold you back is you yourself - it might be a bunch of deep moronic bullshit but sadly, it makes a lot of sense. We just don't like to listen to all that profound advice because it's all easier said than done - even the people who said it know it. I mean, look at their lives.
I think I've run out of things to say, I don't know what brought on this encouragement to write a blog post but I'm glad I got something down. None of it is Pulitzer worthy but it's something. It helps.
