...But how?

I try not to let this get out but I just feel so heavy inside, all the time. I wouldn't call it 'depression' because I am a positive bird if nothing else but I think I have fallen victim to the hopelessness of our times. I have always felt like this, I have always felt like it was all too much to bear and I've channeled it differently at various points of my life.

For a while now, it feels a lot more permanent. Maybe it has to do with the milestone that is turning 22/23 - that age that is the epitome of the in-between place, the purgatory, the limbo... just the general time in your life where everything was supposed to be certain and nothing is.

The point is, right now, it feels heavy. Life is just a mundane concept and several ticking time bombs. Death is inevitable and so is the complete silence or uproar that follows it. There is so much room for disaster and there is never anything concrete enough to make up for it.

I don't know. I can't get it all down. It's just how I feel and I'd do anything to make it better. 

I want to write the kind of words that make you feel that exact moment you realized you were experiencing something and it was not nothing. It was happy and you were complete, if only for a moment.

I want to create something that makes you want to look up at the stars and take a drive on a long stretch of a road and fly all at the same time.

Like the feeling that is making me put down these words and have them make sense for the world because once you were here, then you were there and now I am here and soon I will be there. I just want to capture that, if only for an instant so that I can come back to it... some day. Maybe. 

One Week Later

I made it just in time!

(Side note: I am well aware this post is technically not a week after but I did start it within the week and I intended to post it 2 days ago but circumstances prevailed. These circumstances may or may not have also involved me being lazy or me over-thinking it or me paying too much attention to detail. I mean, really - who's readin'?)

There are many things I learned this week - some random, some inspired and some too complicated. In order to remain limitless, I will merely list these things along with my thoughts about them. I had actually wanted to write this post yesterday but then life got in the way and right now I feel very tired... I'm not even sure why. Yesterday I could practically feel the words flowing from my brain to my fingers to this blog but today is not one of those days. I'm just happy that even though I do not feel like publishing a post, I am making myself keep at it. 

Anyway, there are many things I learned this week. Some are useful, some are interesting and some might come in handy later. 

1) Asian's - specifically chinese people - really like spicy food. I was under the impression that it was only the Mexicans and us South East Asians who like drowning our throats in chili powder. 

Linked to this, I JUST discovered that you can spell the word chili with both a double 'L' and a single 'L'; no wonder they're called the Red Hot 'chili' Peppers... here I was thinking they had attempted to join the 'misspell the word to showcase cool factor' bandwagon. See what I meant about things coming in handy later? 

2) Gold in it's purest 24 carat form - which means it's at least 99.95% gold - is a risky investment for a woman's dream star-studded engagement ring. Why is this you ask? Because of it's atomic structure. It is essentially soft metal that is malleable and therefore is likely to change shape around the stone, meaning it would fall out. If you want a ring, get a platinum band and pick a fancy stone; platinum is stronger and less malleable. You're welcome. 

3) ...

Okay the other things are just facts that people have heard somewhere or the other on a facebook page like 'WTF Facts'. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to continue and my brain is completely tanking right now... but hey, I got something down. I retained knowledge. I'm happy. 

I'll be seeing ya. 

Well.

Apparently, I'm not as hopeless as they come  - I'm back here writing another post a lot sooner than I anticipated or expected! I think that in itself is a pretty good step.

Today was not a very good day; I could go on and on and segue into the feel of this past month and life after graduation in general but really, what's the point? It is now after midnight and it is a new day. The past is much too heavy a load to carry on your back all the time. It's okay to say it even if you don't entirely live by it.

I realized something today while I was attempting to cheer myself up by making dinner and picking out a good movie to watch - I've always been able to bounce back, even when circumstances haven't been too kind to me. Of course, this is an important revelation for me myself because in the eyes of those around me, I am always positive and I am always strong. I think I began faking it a long time ago and now it may actually be true. I have always believed in the power of positive thinking, even when I'm not exactly living up to my 'bubbly' persona and whining to somebody about my week - in my mind, it'll all be okay. It has to be.

Coming back to the point I made about circumstances not having been kind, I would just like to reinforce this - there are people with much less in the world and I do, as I should, count myself extremely fortunate for what I have and what I get. This may be considered somewhat self righteous thinking that's not altogether too genuine but it is something that truly helps me maintain that forward-looking perspective... (I just did the thesaurus thing again.)
That being said, I also think it is absolutely ridiculous how people use the "there are children in third world countries dying of starvation and disease" line to attempt to make someone feel better or give them a different angle to look at their troubles with. Balance is essential and it was a lesson well-learnt, that no body's problems are small or big - they are their own problems and they are allowed to be angry or sad or frustrated. One can not simply belittle themselves.

I was encouraged to write today because... actually, I'm not sure why. Like I tried to explain before, I do some things and I don't do some things. I'm human, I'm taking it day by day and I hope someday to have lived a fulfilled life. Having made this declaration, it is best if I get to the point even if my brain and my fingers are itching to get off topic and pour out whatever comes to my mind, as usual.

Today is Wednesday the 10th of September 2014. I am 22 years old and I have started many things, ended few, had many epiphanies, made mistakes, done some good things and had some experiences that I believe fall into the 'Amuse-Bouche ' category of the 5 course dinner of the reality that is my life. In other words, I'm as human as they come.
Therefore, I make yet another announcement today. All I will do, is learn something new every week - be it a new phrase in another language, a new recipe, a new fact or something much bigger - and I will document it in this blog without fail.
Granted, it's not very inspired but alas my dear friends, I have to start somewhere. If nothing else, it will give me some form of discipline and it may even make me fall in love with writing all over again... or I could forget all about this and come up with a new epiphany and a new excuse next week. Such is life. 

Why not?

Alright. So it's been a while since I wrote something here. When I started this blog so many years ago, I really thought it would become a thing and I'd have a lot more posts, all depicting my passion for writing and my despair-filled life and what not.

But let's face it - I love starting things, I don't like finishing them. I don't know exactly what the problem is but I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I get bored easily...or distracted. Actually, lazy might be the most appropriate word. Even passion can't overcome my laziness. To give myself credit, I have improved quite a lot over the years and I have TRIED but the pattern still exists, it's relentless and it really depresses me. I think another part of the problem is how much I am obsessed with the idea of getting things right; I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist per se but I WOULD have to deduce I have some stress & avoidance induced obsessive compulsive disorder. For example, I have something top priority to do but I also have something almost as equally important to do the same day; my course of action would involve, doing the second thing and doing it really well and not just that - I wouldn't start the task unless I had everything I needed for it. It's no wonder I pack last minute and get screamed at; I CAN'T pack properly unless I've used my facewash one more time just before leaving the house. Everything must be in it's place first because it's the only way I can work - time and consideration be damned.

On second thought, it might just be that I have a touch of ADHD & OCD. Or maybe I'm hypochondriac (I totes googled that in case I was wrong by the way, I doubt everything about my existence - even my brain).
This brings me to another flaw I have which I can't exactly put into words because it's a combination of so many things. I doubt myself a lot even if I know something, I can't come up with something original or creative like I used to all the time but instead find it much more appealing to copy or add on to ideas already existing and at the same time, I want to learn new things and be able to share them. Oh and despite all of this, I am an insufferable know-it-all who HATES being wrong.

Therein exists the vicious cycle. A figment of the torment that goes through my mind every day. I don't even think I have an excuse for all this confusion anymore - I'm 22 years old, I have to grow up already.
Even as I'm writing this post, I know there's a very strong possibility I will forget about this blog and not write again for a good few months. I'll doodle in my little sketch book maybe, which by the way, I also bought with the intention of writing down or drawing my thoughts every day - so that I'd have a collection of profound quotes and my own almost insightful thoughts (again, I just used an online thesaurus).

As I look back up at the stuff I've been writing, I have noticed that there are certain words that are capitalized - tried, would, can't, ADHD & OCD, hates... Yikes. What does that tell you?

Apparently they say, the only person who can hold you back is you yourself - it might be a bunch of deep moronic bullshit but sadly, it makes a lot of sense. We just don't like to listen to all that profound advice because it's all easier said than done - even the people who said it know it. I mean, look at their lives.

I think I've run out of things to say, I don't know what brought on this encouragement to write a blog post but I'm glad I got something down. None of it is Pulitzer worthy but it's something. It helps.