One Week Later

I made it just in time!

(Side note: I am well aware this post is technically not a week after but I did start it within the week and I intended to post it 2 days ago but circumstances prevailed. These circumstances may or may not have also involved me being lazy or me over-thinking it or me paying too much attention to detail. I mean, really - who's readin'?)

There are many things I learned this week - some random, some inspired and some too complicated. In order to remain limitless, I will merely list these things along with my thoughts about them. I had actually wanted to write this post yesterday but then life got in the way and right now I feel very tired... I'm not even sure why. Yesterday I could practically feel the words flowing from my brain to my fingers to this blog but today is not one of those days. I'm just happy that even though I do not feel like publishing a post, I am making myself keep at it. 

Anyway, there are many things I learned this week. Some are useful, some are interesting and some might come in handy later. 

1) Asian's - specifically chinese people - really like spicy food. I was under the impression that it was only the Mexicans and us South East Asians who like drowning our throats in chili powder. 

Linked to this, I JUST discovered that you can spell the word chili with both a double 'L' and a single 'L'; no wonder they're called the Red Hot 'chili' Peppers... here I was thinking they had attempted to join the 'misspell the word to showcase cool factor' bandwagon. See what I meant about things coming in handy later? 

2) Gold in it's purest 24 carat form - which means it's at least 99.95% gold - is a risky investment for a woman's dream star-studded engagement ring. Why is this you ask? Because of it's atomic structure. It is essentially soft metal that is malleable and therefore is likely to change shape around the stone, meaning it would fall out. If you want a ring, get a platinum band and pick a fancy stone; platinum is stronger and less malleable. You're welcome. 

3) ...

Okay the other things are just facts that people have heard somewhere or the other on a facebook page like 'WTF Facts'. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to continue and my brain is completely tanking right now... but hey, I got something down. I retained knowledge. I'm happy. 

I'll be seeing ya. 

Well.

Apparently, I'm not as hopeless as they come  - I'm back here writing another post a lot sooner than I anticipated or expected! I think that in itself is a pretty good step.

Today was not a very good day; I could go on and on and segue into the feel of this past month and life after graduation in general but really, what's the point? It is now after midnight and it is a new day. The past is much too heavy a load to carry on your back all the time. It's okay to say it even if you don't entirely live by it.

I realized something today while I was attempting to cheer myself up by making dinner and picking out a good movie to watch - I've always been able to bounce back, even when circumstances haven't been too kind to me. Of course, this is an important revelation for me myself because in the eyes of those around me, I am always positive and I am always strong. I think I began faking it a long time ago and now it may actually be true. I have always believed in the power of positive thinking, even when I'm not exactly living up to my 'bubbly' persona and whining to somebody about my week - in my mind, it'll all be okay. It has to be.

Coming back to the point I made about circumstances not having been kind, I would just like to reinforce this - there are people with much less in the world and I do, as I should, count myself extremely fortunate for what I have and what I get. This may be considered somewhat self righteous thinking that's not altogether too genuine but it is something that truly helps me maintain that forward-looking perspective... (I just did the thesaurus thing again.)
That being said, I also think it is absolutely ridiculous how people use the "there are children in third world countries dying of starvation and disease" line to attempt to make someone feel better or give them a different angle to look at their troubles with. Balance is essential and it was a lesson well-learnt, that no body's problems are small or big - they are their own problems and they are allowed to be angry or sad or frustrated. One can not simply belittle themselves.

I was encouraged to write today because... actually, I'm not sure why. Like I tried to explain before, I do some things and I don't do some things. I'm human, I'm taking it day by day and I hope someday to have lived a fulfilled life. Having made this declaration, it is best if I get to the point even if my brain and my fingers are itching to get off topic and pour out whatever comes to my mind, as usual.

Today is Wednesday the 10th of September 2014. I am 22 years old and I have started many things, ended few, had many epiphanies, made mistakes, done some good things and had some experiences that I believe fall into the 'Amuse-Bouche ' category of the 5 course dinner of the reality that is my life. In other words, I'm as human as they come.
Therefore, I make yet another announcement today. All I will do, is learn something new every week - be it a new phrase in another language, a new recipe, a new fact or something much bigger - and I will document it in this blog without fail.
Granted, it's not very inspired but alas my dear friends, I have to start somewhere. If nothing else, it will give me some form of discipline and it may even make me fall in love with writing all over again... or I could forget all about this and come up with a new epiphany and a new excuse next week. Such is life. 

Why not?

Alright. So it's been a while since I wrote something here. When I started this blog so many years ago, I really thought it would become a thing and I'd have a lot more posts, all depicting my passion for writing and my despair-filled life and what not.

But let's face it - I love starting things, I don't like finishing them. I don't know exactly what the problem is but I think it's mostly to do with the fact that I get bored easily...or distracted. Actually, lazy might be the most appropriate word. Even passion can't overcome my laziness. To give myself credit, I have improved quite a lot over the years and I have TRIED but the pattern still exists, it's relentless and it really depresses me. I think another part of the problem is how much I am obsessed with the idea of getting things right; I wouldn't call myself a perfectionist per se but I WOULD have to deduce I have some stress & avoidance induced obsessive compulsive disorder. For example, I have something top priority to do but I also have something almost as equally important to do the same day; my course of action would involve, doing the second thing and doing it really well and not just that - I wouldn't start the task unless I had everything I needed for it. It's no wonder I pack last minute and get screamed at; I CAN'T pack properly unless I've used my facewash one more time just before leaving the house. Everything must be in it's place first because it's the only way I can work - time and consideration be damned.

On second thought, it might just be that I have a touch of ADHD & OCD. Or maybe I'm hypochondriac (I totes googled that in case I was wrong by the way, I doubt everything about my existence - even my brain).
This brings me to another flaw I have which I can't exactly put into words because it's a combination of so many things. I doubt myself a lot even if I know something, I can't come up with something original or creative like I used to all the time but instead find it much more appealing to copy or add on to ideas already existing and at the same time, I want to learn new things and be able to share them. Oh and despite all of this, I am an insufferable know-it-all who HATES being wrong.

Therein exists the vicious cycle. A figment of the torment that goes through my mind every day. I don't even think I have an excuse for all this confusion anymore - I'm 22 years old, I have to grow up already.
Even as I'm writing this post, I know there's a very strong possibility I will forget about this blog and not write again for a good few months. I'll doodle in my little sketch book maybe, which by the way, I also bought with the intention of writing down or drawing my thoughts every day - so that I'd have a collection of profound quotes and my own almost insightful thoughts (again, I just used an online thesaurus).

As I look back up at the stuff I've been writing, I have noticed that there are certain words that are capitalized - tried, would, can't, ADHD & OCD, hates... Yikes. What does that tell you?

Apparently they say, the only person who can hold you back is you yourself - it might be a bunch of deep moronic bullshit but sadly, it makes a lot of sense. We just don't like to listen to all that profound advice because it's all easier said than done - even the people who said it know it. I mean, look at their lives.

I think I've run out of things to say, I don't know what brought on this encouragement to write a blog post but I'm glad I got something down. None of it is Pulitzer worthy but it's something. It helps. 

The Screaming Man

I felt trapped. I couldn't explain it exactly. Everything was on track.  

 Why did I keep picturing the screaming man? The one who was inside my head with his hands on his ears, howling all his insanity into his voice. The voice that I couldn't hear because really, all I could hear was the silence... And silence is so freaking loud isn't it? 

It made sense because he wasn't the only one I saw. I saw me too.

 I saw myself immersed in a crowd of figures, lights, sounds, smells - calm expression, palms pressed onto my ears, eyes closed like I was trying to break through all those barriers I myself had put up. 

I know it's loud, I can feel it but I can't hear it and I don't want to see it. If only I could open my eyes and ears and just breathe it all in again. 

It's not so bad though. Everything is going to be okay. 

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow and maybe not even the day after.

But it's going to happen. He'll stop screaming and the silence will be welcome again... Won't it? 

Inspiration

You never know where or when your next inspiration will hit you.

It could be while you're getting into bed (which annoyingly seems to be the case a lot of times) or when you meet somebody with an incredible story. It could be something that you saw, like the simple humane act of somebody buying a hot dinner for a homeless man on the street. 

My inspiration, which I hope will stick, came out of nowhere. 

I had just gotten done with my exam and I was walking back to the train station with my friend. She decided to duck into her favourite coffee shop and proceeded to stand in line while I browsed their fresh food rack for something that would 'tickle my fancy.'

I didn't even realise it but I was tapping my foot to the music playing overhead without even really listening to it; and the guy next to me was bobbing his head and mouthing the lyrics. The song was giving me the good kind of shivers and I immediately whipped out my phone and turned on Shazaam so that I could know the name of the song and spend my train ride home, listening to it on repeat. 

This was one of those times where all these technology advancements didn't bother me at all since it was helping serve a purpose rather than taking me away from living my life like so much of technology does today. 

Anyway, I got the song. I downloaded it. I promptly forgot about it till I got home and randomly started humming the melody, mentally kicking myself for having wasted a train ride where I could have listened to some good music. I mean, music always sounds better when you're on the move rather than sitting down you know?

The song is called "Losing Sleep" and it's by Edwyn Collins; the man behind Orange Juice and one of those classic songs that went viral called "Girl Like You".

I couldn't stop listening to the song, the music was catchy and soulful and his voice was simple and endearing. I ended up downloading the official video since the audio download wasn't working on my phone.  I noticed something strange while watching the video, the way he was singing was so precise, like he had to make the effort to enunciate. 

Now, I love Music. I think there's nothing like it in the world and when a song hits me, it hits me BAD. I become obsessed with knowing everything related to that song, right down to the meaning behind the lyrics just because I can. 

So, I saw a random comment by a youtuber on his video that said something along the lines of, "And to think this man has battled such a harsh illness and come back..."

I googled Edwyn Collins. I heard a couple of his old songs and realised my grandfather had made me listen to them when I was a kid; I had loved his music.

Then I found out his story. How he collapsed after having two strokes. How he lost his memory, the ability to speak, move and be himself again. How he could speak four phrases, one of them being "The possibilities are endless". How he basically had to learn to talk again, walk again like a toddler. And how, the one part of him that didn't go away, was the music.

How sad and amazing is that? 

Really, when you think about it, how much of our lives do we waste complaining about what we can't do? Complaining despite the fact that we have the health and the capacity to do it. You are what stands in your way; I've honestly come to believe that in the past year. 

Edwyn Collins got back on his feet, he recorded another album and another one and he's coming out with a third one. It wasn't about the fame, it was about his genuine love for the music. He's still paralyzed from one side of his body, he still has trouble speaking and it doesn't matter.

If that's not inspiring, then what is? 

Come back.

Someone once said, that death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life, is what dies inside us while we live. I could tell you who said it, but who the hell really cares?

It all just feels so fake, you know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there’s magic even in this world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. 

Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it’s all going to be okay. But maybe it’s not going to be okay; How do we know?

And once you know that, there’s no going back. 

Boom.

I feel so very depressed these days. I know, it's such a cliche that word. People needlessly throw it around so much it's lost it's meaning.
The truth is, I'm upset. I wish I could pinpoint the reason, but as usual it's like my brain is trolling me (Thankyou 9gag for my new profound knowledge on everything Meme.); I know it's something specific that's got to be bothering me but lately I get upset about everything, especially the state of my poor country. Every beggar or vendor I see? I literally MUST stop & give them money. If I don't, I genuinely feel so down thinking of their plight that it usually takes atleast 30 to 40 minutes for me to get them out of my head. Can you imagine? In a city like Karachi, where there's beggars at every signal. Yeah, you do the math.
This train of thought usually leads to another, where I then start thinking about how I don't appreciate my parents enough or how I don't practice my religion enough or thank God for everything.
It doesn't end there - next comes the frustration at not being able to do something to help the people. I wish it was only about the people but then I start getting upset about the animals I see around the city. Today, I actually teared up when my mum stopped at the meat shop & I saw all those chickens in the cages. Add this emotional instance to the twenty billion times I've seen a stray cat or dog on the road & begged my boyfriend to let me take them home & you can see, I've got myself quite a conundrum.
I love my mother to bits, I think it's safe to say I love & appreciate both my parents a lot more since I've been sent abroad to study. But oh mama, you gotta stop making me feel so shitty about myself! I know you're trying to help, but all your constant nagging is doing is making me feel overweight, de motivated & not at all pretty.
Finally, friends. Yeah, hi. I exist, I miss you guys, I want to hang out & actually do something other than sit around watch you smoke or drink & talk about people who don't matter; we used to hang out before too remember, we've been friends for so long & this is what I get for it? Honestly, I feel like it's the end of high school again, I don't know who I can trust anymore. I thought I had that bit figured out.
Sigh, currently I'm fighting with somebody I care a lot about & the truth is, he's right. But that also doesn't mean I'm wrong. We are at what they call, a passe.

Blog, you have just been subject to the ramblings of an overloaded girl brain. Don't worry, I'm done for now.
Thank you & Goodnight.